I wonder… I’ve wondered a lot last year.
2018 was a rough year, a year consisting of sadness, tears, relieve, and stress. Other people were involved in all these aspects and moments, some good and some intensly bittersweet. Those last ones I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
2018 changed me, altered me in a way that can never be undone, but that isn’t a bad thing. After questioning everything I knew for several years in a row, the puzzle pieces fell together during one fateful summer-evening. That evening I cried, but this time they were tears of joy unlinke the bitter tears of the start of the year. I won’t go too much into detail on what happened in January, mostly because it is personal and even more because that is solely between him and me.
I sometimes wonder if he still reads my website. If he would read this. I wonder if should reach out but then I remember that time and space are things I hold dear and that I should respect. So I don’t, and I walk into 2019. Hopeful that I can shake the writer’s block that hit me in 2018 which kept me unable to produce anything for almost six months. Hopeful and anxious to be able to fully live my life now that I know that one important detail: that I was in the closet so deeply I barely realised it myself. But now I do. It is something I couldn’t share with him, mostly because I didn’t realise it myself yet. I am not bisexual, as I thought I was for a long time, I am gay. But also still a little bit hopeful that I will ever hear from him again, because even after a whole year I still miss my friend.
But for now I am going to be the most me I can be. Completely out in the open, out in the world, trying to fully comprehend what it means to be attracted to the same sex. It is extremely confusing, even after the couple of months that have now passed since the acceptance hit me, the moment that flattened me like a bulldozer. Because by all gods every worshipped, concrete is hard and tough when you get squashed on it. I have wondered for a while if I should be out in the open about everything, about myself, but if I can’t be who I am than I might as well not write at all. This year I worked on a short story, of which the first installment was published here two days ago (although in Dutch) which is partly therapeutic to write and partly just fun. It is partly autobiographical, it is partly pure fiction and I will let the readers guess on which is which. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I can close off 2018. The year in which I moved into a house that turned out to have a completely false start, with moldy walls and no floor during the first three months. The year in which I really started my job and had to settle into the live of the working adult. And the year in which I finally got my diving license. So 2019, here I am. And I still have a bone to pick with your predecessor, so you better behave!